Hope and healing for homosexuals
Faith was a saving grace for woman with same-sex attraction

By JEFF GRAHAM
From The B.C. Catholic - It is hard to know where to begin some stories. The struggles with homosexual desires experienced by one Vancouver woman has been something she's dealt with for years, but it is difficult for her to discern when those feelings first arose and why. She now thinks there were a number of reasons, among them a lack of maternal bonding in her youth, intense feelings of fear and loneliness, and over sensitivity.

"I just always knew I was different," says Grace (not her real name).

Grace was abandoned as a baby and grew up in China with adoptive parents. Her family life was difficult, with a distant father and a bullying brother. "My mother was submissive and my father was a dominant patriarch."

She attended Catholic school, where she struggled with low self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-image. Grace also had trouble forming friendships, and had virtually no interest in men.

At 19 Grace was sent to Canada by her parents to get a post-secondary education, and was sponsored by her uncle in Vancouver.

Her move to Canada brought even more profound difficulties: her uncle proceeded to molest her, and she suffered severe anxiety and depression, which made her unable to continue with school or work. She was also unable to bring herself to confide in anyone about the molestation.

The abuse went on for sometime, until at age 23 Grace decided she'd had enough and moved out of the house.

It is amazing that during this time Grace also started to discover her faith and began attending daily Mass. She got involved with different Catholic apostolates and made friends in the Church.

She became particularly close with a fellow parishioner who, as it turned out, also struggled with a same-sex attraction. Grace said they were both depressed and lonely, which led to the two becoming sexually involved.

Grace said the relationship degenerated from a good friendship into what she describes as "a lot of unhealthy entanglements."

"My faith was definitely a saving grace for me," she said. "We were getting very co-dependent." Grace said the two were caught up in a cycle where they would commit sexual sin repeatedly, but would go to reconciliation regularly.

Grace said she tried numerous times to break it off, but would feel guilty and go back into the relationship.

Through these turbulent years, Grace said, she was determined to be chaste, and had a high regard for Catholic morality. "God and the Church have always been the two most important aspects of my life," she said.

During this time Grace said she also felt very attracted to religious life, and attended different conventions and vocations retreats in an effort to discern her calling.

Through the retreats she was given the strength to end the harmful relationship. "I broke it off and had peace," she said.

However, Grace said, she still felt a sense of denial and shame towards her orientation. She was too embarrassed to deal with it, and tried to ignore the problem, hide it, and numb the pain by becoming increasingly involved in the Church.

"I was so afraid to deal with my own demons," she said. "Satan does not want us to experience Jesus's healing touch." The inability to deal with her orientation resulted in an involvement with three other women, all of whom she'd met through the Church.

Grace suggested that there are many Catholics who have this orientation, but said there is often an intolerant attitude towards people like herself who have a same-sex attraction. She also lamented the lack of resources for Catholics with a homosexual orientation.

"I wish we could be more open, so we didn't have to be afraid of discussing and educating each other about the whole issue of homosexuality. By keeping this silent within the family of God, it is very difficult for people with same-sex attraction to experience healing," she said. "Silence only intensifies the feelings of loneliness, self-rejection, and despair."

"We [people with same-sex attraction] are afraid of being judged," she continued. "We forget that each person is made in the image and likeness of God."

"I was so afraid of being a homosexual," she remarked. "I tried my best to live a pure and chaste life as a Catholic, but at the same time worried about being disparaged by others if they knew I had same-sex desires."

For the last couple of years Grace has made great strides in dealing with her orientation, especially through her involvement with Courage, a group that provides support for people with same-sex attraction.

"We encourage each other to strive to live chastely in accordance with the teachings of the Catholic Church," she said.

She said her healing arose from experiencing the love of Christ through good mentors and friends, and through prayer and self-acceptance. She said she has experienced an increased trust in God's forgiveness and has a greater recognition of the need to forgive others.

Grace encourages people to educate themselves on the issues surrounding homosexuality. "Sooner or later you will know somebody with a same-sex attraction," she said, "and now with same-sex marriage it will affect the whole of society."

Grace said she was angry and bitter towards the Church. "For 20-something years I hid," she said. "There are problems with how the Church deals with this whole area."

Grace explained she was fearful of telling her story. "Somebody has to start this," she said, adding that she now feels she has the strength to help others with same-sex attraction.

She has a message for readers who may be struggling: "Don't be afraid. We are all in the same boat. We are all sinners," she said. "Please, please get help and get some healing and support."

"It's not an easy cross to carry, but what cross is easy? Though now I see it as a blessing, in that I'm given the calling to reach out to those who are still denying, or too afraid, or to ashamed to tell others about their same-sex desires."

"Remember also, please, that our awareness of who we are in Christ and how much we are loved by Him will help us enormously in dealing with our same-sex attraction. Once we realize this, we are empowered to witness to His love and to serve Him with all of our hearts, minds, bodies, and souls; in other words, with our whole being," she emphasized.

She also had a message for readers who may know someone with a same-sex attraction:

"Don't be afraid to engage and make friends with people who have this issue," she said. "Be willing to listen to their struggles. Your compassion and understanding will draw them closer to the love of Christ and His Church."

"A lot of these people are very hurt people," she continued. "Treat them with kindness and reassure them that they are no different from you or me."